My sister

Well this morning I have an awful headache... it doesn't feel "hangovery", I didn't drink that much last night, and after everything that's happened over the last year, I can't help but worry that it could be mets. Paracetamol now taken, so we'll wait and see.

The other reason for the headache could be stress. My sister is driving me crazy, and at times I wish that she could move away, or not be my sister - and then I'm afraid to say - I wouldn't miss her as a friend.

I tried calling her yesterday, and for once - we had a very pleasant conversation, and I thought we'd moved on from our big argument a few months ago. But, oh no - just I said that I was taking her husband's advice to "unfriend" each other on Facebook, (she knew about this advice, as she had read the message he sent me), she blasted off "and by the way...." This is never good as it means she is restarting the fire that I'd hoped was now burning out. "I am not over sensitive..." (Could've fooled me by this talk) "I'm not going mention this again but I feel very strongly about..." And that was that, from a nice conversation, trying to move on and forget about it. I know that this will always be used against me. Whenever she wants to have a dig about anything - she will mention this argument.

Me being me, I just tried to apologise again, wishing that I could delete the last few months from life. I also sent her a text blaming myself - and I know that I have been responsible. But I just wish she'd look in the mirror sometimes, or listen to what she says and how she presents her case.

Martin knows exactly where I'm coming from and doesn't understand how/why I put up with her - I don't know how either, but the reason why is that she's my sister.

Holiday, Corsica 2014

Well here I am in Corsica for the 6th time in 8 years. Yeah, I know that can seem a bit dull to go to the same place year in, year out - but we come here because it ticks a lot of boxes...

1. Short flight and transfer time

2. Great childcare... Which is more like lots of activities for Toby, before anyone moans at me about the

    fact that this is a family holiday, and how awful of me to give Toby to someone else. For one thing -

    he does have a better time with kids of his own age rather than his "boring parents". The other thing

    is that I'll have another 5 weeks with Toby when we get home. Need I say more?

3. Lots of like minded people... That's the polite way to say "No chavs". Lots of very nice, polite people

    who generally have very nice, well behaved children. Not a tattoo in sight!

Anyway, I have a few gripes about the holiday so far - mainly about the staff. The bar seems to always be full of off-duty staff, which I have nothing against initially. However, when they smoke around you, take up the seating and later in the evening the music seems to be more for their ears rather than the guests it does make you think....

On the flip side of this - there are a couple of improvements...

1. Improved (FREE) wi-fi, which you can get anywhere in the hotel

2. The room is an ungraded room, with a nice shower, TV and good A-C

The start of a new blog....

Today is the start of a new blog. A blog about what makes me miserable and what sort of things really annoy me for no apparent reason. The idea behind this blog is to free up conversations with my DH and BF and to try to see if I can sort out my problems independently. I also hope that sooner or later - I'll be able to think f*ck it or f*ck them... Although I'm not expecting this anytime soon.

Where to begin...

Well I suppose I should explain a bit about life so far. Last year I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I found a lump, saw the doctor the following day and my life changed instantly. It's all sorted now, after a lumpectomy, chemo, rads, herceptin and tamoxifen I am told that I am in remission. I hate that word. To me it sounds as though the cancer was never actually removed from my body. Although I was told that the lump was removed with good, clear margins and no sign of any spread to lymph nodes or blood. The surgeon said that I am "cancer-free" although the oncologist says that they can't be sure. (So to avoid any possible legal cases, they play it safe and say that I am in remission). I think ill side twitch the surgeon!

After hearing this news I was a wreck. I still am a wreck. I worry a lot more now. I worry that I am not good enough. I am not a good enough mother, I am not a good enough wife, I am not a good enough sister, I am not a good enough nurse etc etc. 

This is also being written in case the cancer returns. I hope that my family and friends can read this and know that I tried my best, but sometimes that just isn't good enough in other people's eyes...