I really hope that this isn't the start of my winter depression as it seems so early in the year, and that means an even longer time of misery. M would probably suggest I go back onto my seroxetine, but although that lifted my general mood, it lowered my libido so much that I may as well have been depressed.
I have told the hotel not to do anything for our anniversary. They say they'll only do something small, but the way I'm feeling at the moment, I just want to be alone. I don't like myself when I am feeling this low, I just want to run away from everyone. I don't want to be a bother. I don't want them to listen to my moans. I don't like feeling so crap when I should be feeling good.
I am still pissed off that our 10th wedding anniversary seems so meaningless to Martin. To me it is a big thing. My side of the family don't do marriage for any length of time, and I know he'd say that seeing our marriage last this long shows that he loves me. But I'm a superficial spoiled brat. I want reassurance that things are right. I wanted a present that I could show off when we return home. Not just a bouquet of flowers that will probably be left behind when we go home on Sunday. To me that was a waste of money... It may have been better if he'd just given me the card.
He made the comment yesterday that he "might have got me a little something". I wish he hadn't said anything as this made me start thinking about all the things that I wanted. In fact, the only thing I wanted - which was a ring. I thought maybe he'll buy me one as...
1. I finished all my treatment for breast cancer - yes BREAST CANCER! Not a common cold!
2. Birthday
3. Ten years of marriage!!
Still nothing... Am I ungrateful? Am I spoiled? Yes. Yes.
But what should I do about it??
Buy my own jewellery in future and don't ask for it!
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