Bad start to 2015!

Well first of all - welcome to 2015!

This year was hopefully going to be so much better than the last two, but it has already gone tits up.

1. I failed my OSCEs for my Physical Assessment and History Taking course. I failed by a measly 6 marks. I was so gutted. I really don't want to resit it, but I haven't any choice as they wont give me any proof of attending until I pass! 

2. The reason for this blog....

I have been getting upper back/scapula pain for the past three weeks and I am terrified that the cancer's back.

I saw an Oncologist yesterday and now I have to wait for a bone scan. She said it doesn't sound like boney mets, but because of my history and it only being two years since dx I should get it checked out.

I had a total meltdown at work on Thursday. I spoke to the Breast care nurse first thing and told her everything, the next thing I knew she had an appt for me for the following day. I know I should have felt pleased to see someone so quickly, but instead I was worried that the reason my appt was so soon was that they had concerns.

Now I am feeling slightly relieved that the Dr wasn't too concerned and that my symptoms didn't match usual pains related to cancer, but the appt seemed to be rushed and I didn't feel she looked at me thoroughly enough or even spent time asking me anything...

But how long do I leave it? Do I refer myself to a physio or go for a tough massage....? Could I make it worse? All these questions.... And no one to answer them. 

Leading on from earlier

I know that I have been really grumpy today (tearful without M&T around) I just can't snap out of it.

I really hope that this isn't the start of my winter depression as it seems so early in the year, and that means an even longer time of misery. M would probably suggest I go back onto my seroxetine, but although that lifted my general mood, it lowered my libido so much that I may as well have been depressed.

I have told the hotel not to do anything for our anniversary. They say they'll only do something small, but the way I'm feeling at the moment, I just want to be alone. I don't like myself when I am feeling this low, I just want to run away from everyone. I don't want to be a bother. I don't want them to listen to my moans. I don't like feeling so crap when I should be feeling good.

I am still pissed off that our 10th wedding anniversary seems so meaningless to Martin. To me it is a big thing. My side of the family don't do marriage for any length of time, and I know he'd say that seeing our marriage last this long shows that he loves me. But I'm a superficial spoiled brat. I want reassurance that things are right. I wanted a present that I could show off when we return home. Not just a bouquet of flowers that will probably be left behind when we go home on Sunday. To me that was a waste of money... It may have been better if he'd just given me the card.

He made the comment yesterday that he "might have got me a little something". I wish he hadn't said anything as this made me start thinking about all the things that I wanted. In fact, the only thing I wanted - which was a ring. I thought maybe he'll buy me one as...

1. I finished all my treatment for breast cancer - yes BREAST CANCER! Not a common cold! 

2. Birthday

3. Ten years of marriage!! 

Still nothing... Am I ungrateful? Am I spoiled? Yes. Yes.

But what should I do about it??

Buy my own jewellery in future and don't ask for it!

Ten year anniversary...

Well today is my ten year anniversary and I feel very happy apart from one thing... And I hate myself for this... No present! Apart from flowers, which I'm not including, as I would usually get these, and we're in Cornwall (where we'd be anyway, 'cause it's half term) so I will probably leave them here...

I hate myself for being like this, it upsets me that I feel like this. In fact, I don't know what upsets me more... This feeling that I should have received something, when I have a lovely life, with fantastic husband and gorgeous son. I almost want a "prize" for this. Someone to say well done, you did it. Here's a present for your efforts.... Or whether I am upset that Martin hasn't bought me a present....

Perhaps I am just very shallow.

Perhaps I will buy myself something later, so I can congratulate myself.

I just hope that I am not to grumpy today and I don't have a go at M.

Fingers crossed. 

Another "chat" (via texting) with Leonie

Why can't she just phone me? I really hate the textual conversation/argument that we have.

Tonight I had to explain to her why I was not going to reply to her pointless question, that no doubt wanted to start another argument. Why can't she just talk about the present and the future, and not keeping going on about the past? The past has happened, nothing can be done to change it. Stop reviewing it and move on!! Anyway, I digress - the excuse I gave was that of alcohol, which - to be fair - usually gets me in a lot of trouble. But I knew that whatever I said to her would cause upset.

Her question was...

"Hey been meaning to ask, you said before there were things I put on Facebook that were annoying - what were they as don't want to annoy other people? xx"

This automatically puts me at unease - as it's everything to do with babies, and how easy she seems to find motherhood. She never complains, life is just so beautiful, how could anyone (me) not enjoy it?

I know much of this is jealousy. She is much more laid back than I was/am. She can breastfeed! I know that this will annoy her, that I keep going on about it, as Toby is a happy, healthy 7 year old now, but she doesn't realise how guilty I feel for being a "bad mother" as per health visitors and NCT nazis. Another reason for my jealousy is that I can't have anymore children, which makes me really sad.

Anyway, the whole reason for this blog was to express my annoyance at her penultimate comment...

"...I've made sure to never comment with Toby...." 

Had she made a comment, this would have been pre-Brodie. We all know that you cannot comment on children until you have them yourself, and since Toby is 7 years older than Brodie, I feel that I can comment/assist (although she would never take it as this) on Brodie, as I have been there with a 6month old. She - however - has never had a 7 year old for longer than a few hours, and we all know that it is VERY different looking after someone else's child. 

I am dreading seeing her next week. She had suggested meeting for a drink before I see Mum, but I may say that I can't, and that she can just meet me at Mums to avoid any potential arguments....

Watch this space...

I really wish...

I really wish...

That I could speak my mind  and not worry about what anyone thought.

That I could stand my ground in an argument and not worry about what anyone thought.

That I could do what I want, when I want and not worry about what anyone thought.

That I could wear anything and not worry about what anyone thought.

That I could be myself and not worry about what anyone thought.

Toby

Tobias Christopher Law. My son, my love, my life.

These are a few things about him...

1. He had hiccups in my tummy

2. He needed ventouse and then forceps to get him out 

3. He had a lot of hair at birth

4. (Unfortunately) He seems as sensitive as me. Sorry Toby

5. (Fortunately) He has Martin's brains

I worry a lot that I am going to die before he has grown up. Will he know all the things that I want him to? Will he be as polite as I'd like him to be? More importantly, will he remember me?

Toby, these are some things for you...

I love you so much!! You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. (Even better than meeting Daddy - or Dad, as you may be calling him now). 

Please make sure you remember to say please and thank you. Good manners are more noted than bad.

Offer your chair to ladies, older people or the less able.

Look after girlfriends, wine them, dine them and cuddle them.

Learn to cook. It was how your father wooed me, and it works well as a bachelor. 

Listen to others before you continue.

Read instructions carefully. You don't know what you're doing...

Look after Daddy.

My sister

Well this morning I have an awful headache... it doesn't feel "hangovery", I didn't drink that much last night, and after everything that's happened over the last year, I can't help but worry that it could be mets. Paracetamol now taken, so we'll wait and see.

The other reason for the headache could be stress. My sister is driving me crazy, and at times I wish that she could move away, or not be my sister - and then I'm afraid to say - I wouldn't miss her as a friend.

I tried calling her yesterday, and for once - we had a very pleasant conversation, and I thought we'd moved on from our big argument a few months ago. But, oh no - just I said that I was taking her husband's advice to "unfriend" each other on Facebook, (she knew about this advice, as she had read the message he sent me), she blasted off "and by the way...." This is never good as it means she is restarting the fire that I'd hoped was now burning out. "I am not over sensitive..." (Could've fooled me by this talk) "I'm not going mention this again but I feel very strongly about..." And that was that, from a nice conversation, trying to move on and forget about it. I know that this will always be used against me. Whenever she wants to have a dig about anything - she will mention this argument.

Me being me, I just tried to apologise again, wishing that I could delete the last few months from life. I also sent her a text blaming myself - and I know that I have been responsible. But I just wish she'd look in the mirror sometimes, or listen to what she says and how she presents her case.

Martin knows exactly where I'm coming from and doesn't understand how/why I put up with her - I don't know how either, but the reason why is that she's my sister.